Friday, December 14, 2012

Phantom Pregnancy Take 2

And while I'm posting, let me tell you about yesterday.

I woke up and I couldn't breathe.  At least I felt like I needed a paper sack to help the in and out part of it. 

T minus 2 days, and when I thought it was real a couple days ago, it wasn't.  Now it's real.  And it will probably keep getting real-er.  But I hope not because I may become immobilized completely.  Considering how I spent a good hour in the morning yesterday laying in my bed trying to breathe and just...staring.  And knowing I should move, but not quite making it happen.

This behavior was shortly followed by what we will loosely term, complete mental and emotional breakdown.  Perhaps I should have remained immobile and staring.

My mother sent an email that on any other day might have been a bit frustrating, but was really pretty normal and harmless.  I went from calm to insane rage in about 1 second flat.  I tried to write a calm response, but you know how sometimes "tone" slips out.  Shortly after I sent it I started to feel very bad and guilty for feeling so much rage, and I wanted to call and apologize.

I got another email from her.  It was fine.  My eyes turned red and my heart started racing and I wanted to throw something.  I shot off another "tone filled" email.  Then I felt bad.  Again.

This happened about 4 times until my mom asked me, "Have I done something to make you feel belligerent towards me?  Should we talk."

I couldn't figure out how to get rid of my insane rage.  And I laid there thinking about how I knew it made no sense, and I knew it was like 95% crazy with no base.  So I called. 

I explained for about a minute why I felt rage and then I started to sob.  Yup.  Talk about your massive mood swing.

But it was helpful.  Whenever I feel hormonally enraged, I've found I need the tears to melt the rage.  It breaks that icy heart right up and brings me back to peace. 

But don't think I feel comforted.  Should I have been having ANY of those emotions yesterday?  Nein.  Non.  Niet.  As they say.  Or will say. 

I've felt hormonally unbalanced in the past.  You know it.  I know it.  We all know it.  But this was new and exciting...and shocking unattached to any hormonal events that I am aware of.   This is messed up.

And lest you think by my craziness that I am not wanting these little honey buns, you're dead wrong.  You should have seen me the week before my wedding. 

1 comment:

  1. I am glad to see that you are normal like the rest of us:) Prayers for you! xoxo