Saturday, December 29, 2012

My Choice

The pregnancy thing was a surprise.  It strikes me as odd that when we were trying for the allotted 4-5 months it didn't happen, but that the instant our lives devolve in to chaos, we can, with no effort at all, IN FACT,  with some concerted avoidance, get pregnant.  It does make you think there is some higher power at work here, and that there is some crazy plan that no HUMAN mind would imagine or design.  At least any sane one.

This idea of a plan is going to bring me comfort.  This is my choice.  One day I will look back and understand why it went down like this.  Yes.  I will.

Yesterday was a breaking point.  Admittedly my emotions have been haywire - beyond PMS - and I've felt exhausted and a little sick, so I can't really tell how much of the crapola going on here is the children's behavior and our language issues and how much is hormonal.  I may never know.  But I do think they are generally good kids who are as frustrated as we are that we don't understand each other.  Especially the oldest and youngest.

The middle bun is my challenge.  I think it is clear that if we could communicate we could solve some problems, but it is also clear that he does have some emotional and behavioral issues as well.  Yesterday I told him we were all going out and as I tried to get his socks and shoes on him he suddenly and for no apparent reason had a huge meltdown. Number 3 of that day.  I was frustrated which didn't help, and was trying to force the socks on with Lisa's help. 

He went ballistic and he punched me in the face and then followed that up with a nice kick to the face.  It hurt, but mostly it shocked me as no one has ever done such a thing before.  They may have wanted to...but they haven't.  I was so shocked and so angry that I shoved him away from me and smacked him in the chest.  It was a pure adrenaline reaction and after I did it I was furious and I started to cry.  I yelled something angry and ran out of the room and locked myself in the study.  And sobbed. 

I was crying because I was angry at myself.  I was disappointed in myself for hitting him - it didn't hurt him at all - but I hated losing control in that way.  I was crying because I hated this situation and because I feel so emotionally wound up and because I feel like a bad person.  I don't feel like I love these kids and how could I not?  Who wouldn't love poor little orphans?  I feel like a monster. 

In a day I usually go from feeling dead inside, to feeling sad, to feeling rage, to feeling hopeless.   I feel so much fear that the emotions I have will impact the bun in my luke-warm oven. I can also see myself alienating others who want to help.  Why would I do this?  I don't like myself like this. At all.

After my meltdown, I decided I needed to find a backup host family for the kids.  I knew I would feel terrible doing that and that people would think I was a jerk, and that it might make the kids feel terrible.  But I can I keep them?  What if I hit one of them again?  What if I miscarry?  What if I feel THIS terrible for 15 more days?  One day feels like a lifetime!

I cried for a long time. 
And then I napped for 30 minutes and calmed down.

My mom and my dad gave me the great comfort of telling me that I am focusing too much on the negative and that I need to shift my focus.  Ah-ha!  What a great idea!  Oh wait- all I FEEL IS NEGATIVE.  Hard to focus elsewhere when all you have in front of you is negative.  It's a brilliant idea if it were at all possible.  This counsel made me a little angry too.

Last night we went to see Les Miserables.  For whatever reason, it inspired me.  I felt renewed.  I decided I would try.  I will try to re-focus and to look for the good.  To find God's hand in the events of the day.  I would t-r-y. 

I don't know if I can do it, or for how long, but I see enough light through the foggy, ugly mess to give it a shot.  So here is my vow: my next posts will have only positive messages about the children and how I feel.  I will start by saying that when Aloysia threw Dana off the trampoline today, he did it in a way that did not break any bones or cause new bumps on her head.  And he looked very strong and graceful doing it.

Deep Breath.

If my hormones rage, I will try my best to go be alone, work through it and come out victorious.  If Aloysia kicks me in the face I will try to just walk away and not respond.  If I feel completely hopeless, I may still cry, but I will pick myself up and move on.  I may be exhausted and not want to play with the children, but that's what DVDs are for.

This may not work - but I don't want to be miserable or les miserables any more.  I don't want to alienate those I love. And most of all, I recognize that whether it is 30 days or 30 years, I'm choosing the life I live.  No matter how hard it is, I still chose the lens I look through.  So hormones beware!  I'm taking you on...I may lose some battles but I intend to win the war.

(DC friends:  Can I now accept your playdates and offers?  I'm back Jan 2, and am ready for help! :))


  1. oh Shauri. You are not a monster. You are completely normal. As a parent, everyone who is a parent, has things to work on and improve each and every day. I constantly get mad at myself for not responding to Shelby in a way that I prefer to respond. But that is why it is a blessing to wake up to a new day and have a chance to try and be better! You are a wonderful person. Keep trying to do your best, that is all you can expect of yourself! xoxoxo

  2. Hi sweet Shauri! I am on vacation and catching up on your life and feeling overwhelmed just reading your posts. I am so excited for u to have a little bun in the oven and thrilled for u to have this chance to make such a huge difference in these 3 little kids' lives. You can do it...if anyone can I know that it is you, supershauri! Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done and my situation is way easier! Keep on going just one second at a time, knowing there are lots of people pulling for you and more importantly praying for you! Definitely a fan of letting people help is so good for u to get a little breath of fresh air! Looking forward to your "positive" posts and have no doubt that you will make it through this and be even more amazing than u already are! Xo

  3. Hey there lovey. We lovey dove you. Get as much sleep as you possibly can. And maybe hire a nanny or two or three. Thank you for exposing yourself in your blog--it makes us other humans feel like we're not alone in our struggles.

  4. Ditto to Robin and "Lolo" said. Parenting is a challenge no matter what and most of us don't dive in over night. It seems overwhelming even reading about it hundreds of miles away. I have so much confidence in you and James to make the choices by which God can give you the greatest blessings. I personally believe things happen in a way that allows us to see His hand in our lives and not mistake anything as our own "genius." Love...

  5. Hey, I was once kicked, bit, spit on, called names (in English), and punched. It was by men and women in their 70s-90s. They are very strong. I was one time screamed at and called lazy, stupid and useless. The woman then spit on my face. I was so furious at her. I was ready to slap her in the face. Luckily, a co-worker was with me and she started laughing. She said "It's not like the lady knows you; she just met you." I realized how true that was. She DID NOT know me from the saying goes. Her reaction to me had nothing to do with me, but with her...That's all I have to say...Oh, and I love you.

  6. XOXO. Hang in there. I'm not sure how I feel about the 100% positive posts because like it or not, these venting ones make me laugh. I've totally been there. On a positive note, I did enjoy the positivity of the trampoline description. You made a real breakthrough with that one. Miss you! Wish I could have a playdate with you, but then we'd have to invite all the kids... ;-)

    Sending lots of love your way.

  7. Ok it's a date! I can do Wed or Thurs. I will most likely only have one of my buns either day. Maybe that will be better.

    I agree with Kris, I don't think it is necessary to share only the positive. I think the way you have expressed yourself here is healthy. I think it is much better for you to share the pain with others than to keep it all inside.

    I think every one of us who is a mother has felt and reacted the way you did. It's just that most of us start out with a baby so we have lots of positive things we've done to balance things out. I am sure you have done more positive than negative, but it is harder for you to see the positive outcomes because of your circumstances.

    I think you can do this if you feel it is the right thing, but you definitely need lots of support for a couple years.