Just the two of us

James and I have faced a challenge here and there in our courtship and marriage.  You know,  3 moves in just over a year, new jobs, new marriage.  Oh, and Baghdad.  We rose to each new challenge people... and we triumphed. 

So rather than get bored we thought, we should have kids.  Let's be a family.  That can't be harder than living in Iraq...can it?

I'm here to tell you it can. 

I'm a bit of a, how you say.... control your life and bend it to your will kind of person, so it came as a bit of a surprise to me that I can't get pregnant when I want to.  I told everyone I had my doubts.  That I wouldn't be able to at my age, yadda and yadda and yadda some more.  But let's get serious, I'm the kind of person who believes that if I want something to happen it can...and it will.  (Thank you Delsa and Bob.)

Of course I'm in control.  I mean obviously the reason I got married at 40 was 100% choice.  Obv.

So, let me attempt shorten a long story here.  We prayed about this whole let's have a baby thing, we decided to try for a few months, and I figured blammo.  If God wants us to have a baby it'll happen.  If he doesn't - I can't lie - there's a part of me that would breathe a sigh of relief because having a baby is S-C-A-R-Y.  Don't judge me.  People have babies at 20 'cause they haven't seen what happens to their friends and siblings yet. 

So yeah, I figured I COULD have one if I wanted, but I wasn't really ready to commit...so I'd let God decide.  And as much as I believe He could make it happen...well, I wasn't exactly giving him an easy task, so I was pretty sure it wouldn't in His allotted 3-4 month window.

1.5 months later: pregnant.  Joy. Terror.  Excitement.  Terror.  Joy.
2.5 months later: not pregnant.  Sad.  Sad.  Sad.

But I'm OK.  I could write 20 pages here about all the ups and downs of the two months following the miscarriage and the things I felt and the faith promoting experiences that were part of this journey, but the short story is this:  I know we are supposed to try for natural childbirth and adoption, and if we did both there would be kids. 

So, I researched adoption in all it's forms.  Foster Care, International, LDS social services and babies vs. older children and yes, sibling groups.  I dug in.  And it was very discouraging.

What I found out is that it can take years, it can break the bank and the child you adopt can come with a wide variety of issues you never imagined existed.  I have heard stories of heartbreak from social workers and from friends who have suffered in myriad ways. 

So it's scary.  Nay, terrifying.  But then I remember, hey, I was scared to get pregnant too.  And to get married for that matter.  Oh, and to be alone. 

So I'm embracing this fear and moving in to the murky waters and believing God when He says this is the way.  James and I may experience pain in ways and places we can't imagine now. (And believe me we've been able to imagine quite a few ways!)  But the truth is we could feel pain by not having children, or by giving birth to children.  Pain is non-discriminatory, isn't that nice?  So turns out the best way to deal with pain is to accept it, feel it, and let it wash on by you.

So the journey begins.  No, continues.   And as it turns out our next step is hosting children from Latvia.  We found three little buns...scratch that...children who want to come and stay with us for Christmas.  We hope they can stay, but if they can't, we hope we can bring them some joy and that they can bring us some.  Because I think that's why we're here - to bring each other joy wherever and whenever we can.  I'm going to open that scary, oh-so-vulnerable door of love again.